NOW, I'M BREAKING UP

 Assalamualaikum and hi everyone.

Today marks the 28th of December, 2021. 3 days left, and we will begin our journey in a new year, 2022. And today also is the date I submit my resignation letter, officially. I have drafted the notice since yesterday, but only have the courage to submit it today. Entah lah, lately ni banyak sangat aku langgar prinsip aku, which is, "don't start what you can't finish."

Last month, I ended my relationship with someone, and today, I am breaking up with my current job. There's several personal reasons why I decided to leave the company, and I hope this is the best decision. For a better me. I hope so.

Lepas hantar resign letter tadi, I felt empty. Ironically, I am the one who decides to quit, and I am also the one who feel sad. Lol. The same feeling I had when I was breaking up with him. I am the one who decides to end our relationship, and I am also the one who feels empty. However, I do believe, this sorrow, shall pass.

I look out to the window. The sky starts to become brighter than just now. Just like how the sky turns from dark to bright, I believe my own sky will find it's sunlight. Soon. Very soon.

And today, I decide to break up with my own heartbreaks. I nak tinggalkan semua rasa putus asa, rasa tak happy, rasa give up dengan life, rasa uselessness, hopelessness yang I dah bawak sepanjang tahun 2021, dekat tahun tu. For 2022, I want to start fresh!

2021 is really something,

I studied, then I graduated

I fell in love, then I broke up

I got hired, then I resigned

I tried, then I surrendered

I gained, then I failed

I loved, then I lost

365 days, filled with lessons.

2022, please be more gentle. I'm soft.

"KITA HANYA AKAN DIPERTEMUKAN DENGAN APA YANG KITA CARI."

 

Assalamualaikum everyone! Sebelum kita go further dengan new entry for today, let's pray for those who are affected with flood in Lembah Klang will be under Allah's protection and all their affairs will be eased. Aamiin.

Reading news for today really shakes my heart hard. Banjir sana-sini, ramai orang yang kehilangan harta dalam sekelip mata, dan ada juga yang kehilangan nyawa yang tersayang dalam sekelip mata dek banjir yang melanda. People just feel a bit relieve when economics return to normal operation, adalah jugak income untuk survive post-covid ni, and now another test occurs for them to go through. Semoga hati-hati mereka kuat untuk hadap semua tu.

Not only that, watching how Malaysians put all their efforts and commitments to help those people around really touches my heart. Yang tolong tu pun bukanlah mewah sangat hidup dorang, but dorang mewah dengan rasa kemanusiaan dalam diri. You don't need a million ringgit in your bank account to be humane. It comes from within, the urge to help people around voluntarily and unconditionally. May all their efforts will be counted and rewarded here and hereafter.

Seeing all things happen lately ni somehow make me feel that, sebenarnya at the end of the day, kita memang need Allah dalam hidup kita. And a thing yang perlu kita syukur, when we still can remember Him despite the difficulties that happen. Takpelah if kita rasa malu sebab ingat Dia masa susah je, takpelah orang condemn kita sebab ingat Dia waktu ditimpa bencana je. Sebab itu memang kelemahan kita, itu memang nature manusia. Tapi malu and takutlah if kita langsung tak ingat dia masa susah, apetah lagi masa senang.

To be in the early phase of adulthood is really challenging. Yes, we do have so many options for our future, but somehow it makes us more confuse. Having options do not always ease you, but it gives you a hard time sometimes, when you are not knowing which option is the best for you. Kadang-kadang, I do feel tired bila fikir pasal future. What will I become in the future? Can I accomplish everything that I want to achieve? Is my plan suits me? Will everything go well? 

Some people think I am in a rush. Yes, definitely. We have so many things to achieve, but we do not possess all the time with us. Some people think I need to slow down, yet I ain't activate my sprint mode yet.

I'm aware that I'm in rush, I am being too hard on myself, but I don't think I am being progressive enough, which I do not have to slow down my pace as I am not moving forward fast enough yet. Cuma everytime I pause myself, I fikir, "sebenarnya apa yang aku cari? sebenarnya apa yang aku kejar?"

And that moment I realise, betullah, if kita hidup ni berpaksikan dunia semata-mata, memang kita penat. Sebab at the end of the day, manusia ni fitrahnya memang nak be rewarded. And dekat dunia ni, only a few je yang akan acknowledge your effort. We need to impress our employers, our clients, but sometimes they don't acknowledge those efforts pun, which puts us into pressure and feels 'not good enough', and that's why kita penat.

But, if our main objective is to be the best servant of Allah, to gain His blessings and pleasures, in shaa Allah, kita tak rasa penat, sebab He is the Just, the Most Just of all judges (QS, 95:8). Surely, everything will be counted and evaluated fairly, and will be rewarded accordingly.

Thus, let's reset everything. Ask ourselves, "apa yang kita cari, sebenarnya?"

FALLING IN LOVE IS FOR PRIVILEGE.

 (disclaimer: this is my own personal opinion and experience, thus, you're welcomed to disagree)

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone!

Tbh, I don't have the feelings to write today, but I think this will help for me to ease those 'uneasy' feelings. Let's get straight to the point.

Falling in love is really hard. I think, falling in love is only for privileges, who have a lot of time, energy, and money with them. The context for this is not for someone who has crush on another, but it is all about falling in love and being in a relationship. And I think, it's not for me. It's easy to fall in love, but to be in a relationship, it's hard. For me. I ain't ready for that. I am not stable enough, it's hard for me to even love myself, how can I love someone else. I'm still adjusting and adapting with my new chapter of life, how can I enter another chapter that needs a big commitment? I do believe it's really my fault, when I started something that I can't finish it. I admit them. Damage done, lesson learnt (write with guilt)

Falling in love requires cost, time, energy, and emotional attachment, which I don't have any of it. That's how I start to believe that falling in love is for privilege. Sometimes I pelik, macam mana orang lain happy je in a relationship, sampai kahwin, but when it comes to me, it filled with anxious, worries. Maybe, semua tu just overthinking, tapi entahlah. That's why, benda ni senang untuk orang lain, susah untuk aku. 

But at the same time, aku terfikir jugak, if falling in love requires those things, and the other party willingly nak spend those with you, tak ke tu another privilege, yang sepatutnya kau syukuri? When there's someone who could love you unconditionally, and accept you apa adanya. When there's someone who could spend his time, cost, and energy for you?

My logical thinking starts to accept that, but my heart isn't.

DO TIMES HEAL US OR DO WE HEALING WITH TIME?

 Assalamualaikum and hi guys! I am back after 40 days join kursus Halal Executive dekat PD sana. There's so muchhh exciting story but will tell you guys later sebab terlalu panjang (almaklonglah, 30 hari kan) but we have limited times tonight omg busy days are coming!! (kinda excited but nervous ><)

Alright, back to our highlighted topic of the day, do times heal us or do we healing with time? Selalu dengar, "time heals", tapi, apa je yang masa boleh buat untuk 'merawat' kita? I don't think that times heal us, but I do believe that we need times to heal, so yeah, we are healing with times. Simple explanation gini la, if kita rasa masa tu merawat kita, we will be healed after spending so much times kan? But, macam mana pulak dengan those dah spend masa bertahun-tahun, but still cannot manage the pain, then, macam mana pulak? And ada jugak yang perlukan masa sekejap je, a day, a week, to heal.

Which means, sebenarnya bukan masa yang menyembuhkan luka tu, tapi the person himself/herself. It needs effort kut nak heal from something, and if someone tu takde effort pun nak forget the past and start fresh, bagi dia beribu tahun pun, he or she will never get to manage the pain. Tapi, if he or she gives chance to himself/herself, then he/she will get to overcome the past smoothly and easily.

Stop depending on times. Start giving yourself chances.

THE STRUGGLE AFTER BEING A GRADUATE.

 Assalamualaikum and hola everyone! After nearly a year ye baru update balik hahaha the fact hampir lupa account mana yang guna untuk log in menunjukkan this site amatlah berhabuk. I am really sorry for that. Being a final year student is hard, but being a fresh graduate is harder ;,) *screaming inside

Actually, settle je exam and final year project July haritu, I amek masa 2 weeks untuk bersenang-lenang layan kdrama etc sebelum mulakan planning yang I dah list down after I graduate. Yeah, walaupun masa tu belum officially graduate pun but based on nasihat-nasihat daripada otai-otai di sekelilingku yang menasihati diri ini untuk cepat-cepat cari kerja walaupun belum graduate secara rasmi, so yeah, I started my job search immediately after 2 weeks bersenang-lenang tu.

And please do remember that I bukanlah terus jump cari kerja membuta tuli. Of course, I spent some times join webinar and career fair untuk tahu job opportunity as well as apa yang employer nak from us, macam mana nak buat professional resume and CV, as well as cover letter, how to impress your interviewer, and all that, yes. I join banyak webinar and career fair (Fly High, i-Career), sebagai persediaan untuk terjun dalam industri ini.

However, here is the reason why I bukak balik this blog. It's already a month (I think) since I got my official result for my undergraduate studies (nanti sijil I sampai I update yang ni). It's already a month I buat a bank resume, submitting various kinds of resume according to the position yang I nak apply, attending for interviews, sleepless nights doing preparation, participating for a lot of workshops sebab nak enhance and upgrade skills, but there is no positive result (yet).

I am not receiving any feedbacks for my application. I am not getting any call for my second interview. There's no email telling 'congratulations, you're hired' going into my mailbox. I mula rasa penat, give up, hopeless. And that's the reason I'm writing this. Faham kan perasaan, bila kita dah all out, dah give everything all the efforts we can do, tapi belum ada apa-apa hasil. (even writing this pun dah buat I penat sebab kena remember all that kind of feeling).

Of course la, I ada impian, nak tolong family nak tolong parent, after years spent for studies and to be recognized as a Degree holder. Tapi, mungkin, usaha I belum sampai ke tahap maksimum. (I bersangka baik). Mungkin ada beberapa perkara lagi yang I terlepas pandang. Ibadah I, hubungan I dengan Allah, kan? I do believe, the right time will come. (Pray for me!) But first, let me confess everything here, with that I could feel better. (and it is really helpful if you guys can leave some comments here!)

So, to all my friends yang masih study, yang masih berjuang, enjoy the moment. I start to believe bila orang cakap "zaman study adalah zaman yang paling seronok sekali", and yes, I could feel that. I miss those moments. Lagi-lagi zaman BC (Before Covid), where we can have physical interactions, no social distancing, rushing to lecture halls, participate various kind of volunteering program, jumpa dengan raaamai orang. Semoga dunia cepat sembuh, dan semoga Allah angkat wabak ni supaya kita dapat hidup macam biasa. We can't live in the new norm, we don't need this new norm. Covid, go away! 

Till then! Take care and stay safe! 

My first virtual interview session!

Ihsan Google >v<